From whence I came

It only takes a scent, a song, a single cloud in the sky

to bring back a string of memories

of powerful emotions

and drown in their depths


I sat on my couch tonight attempting to finish the ever odious task of grading finals. As one pile began to dwindle, at least 5 or 10 would appear out of nowhere. It was, to say the least, frustrating.

But as I was grading, a song came on Pandora--a song so powerful that it pulled me out of reality and back into the past, where the song held deep emotional meaning. It was as if those feelings had never disappeared. They were merely pressed down, and at the first note of the song rose back up to the surface to greet it like an old friend.

Instead of pushing away these feelings, I let them consume me. I wanted to remember exactly how I felt when I had listened to this song. What my worries were. Why the significance was so great. Have I really changed much since then, when this song had held so much meaning for me?

I know one thing. My life now is nothing like it was then. But those feelings are still there somewhere, raw and beautiful. And that's ok.

The song reminds me that doubt is still there. Sometimes, life doesn't make sense. Sometimes, I want to reject the world that I live in because its too cruel, unforgiving, and otherwise awful.

But at the same time, I know that isn't true. Life is beautiful, incredible, unbelievable.


I have this theory lately (not original by any means), that life is made better by doubts. It makes us appreciate assurance, and search for truth. And moments of doubts and sinking despair give us perspective. I'm not the person I was back then. Life is better... surer.

But--

In no means, perfect.

Reminiscing

http://gottabethegoodlife.blogspot.com/2012/08/an-american-in-cambridge.html

It's posts like this (from my travel blog) that make me miss Cambridge/Europe oh so much. Travel is contagious... and here's a more elegant quote why everyone should travel:

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness

It's taught me so much about other cultures (even when I make jokes about the serious nature of tea time in Britain) that I can't help but want to travel everywhere, not to mention spend half of my BYU education on study abroad. If I could I'd do:

1. Vienna

2. Jerusalem Center

3. India

4. New Zealand

5. Italy

5. (And everywhere else) But those are my top

On writing

I don't in any way consider myself a "writer." Maybe because I think that word encompasses publication. Or maybe it just sounds too pompous. Either way, all I know is that I love to write. But lately I'm finding that my three creative writing classes leave me more than just exhausted by the end of the week. It's like a little bit of my soul has died. Don't get me wrong... I love writing and most of the time, despite the critiques, I'm proud of my work. But when your pieces get workshopped 2+ times a week, you're writing over 4,000 words a week (on top of trying to journal and maintain friendly email correspondence), and you're still taking other classes, you're half dead by the end of the week. 

It's all I can do not to curl up in a ball and sleep away the weekend. But just recently I read some great quotes by writers and felt inspired again. 

Fantastic quotes from famous writers:

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” 
― Mark Twain

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” 
― Mark Twain

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.” 
― Kurt Vonnegut

“Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money.”
― Virginia Woolf

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” 
― Stephen King

“Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.”
― Neil Gaiman

“The first draft of anything is shit.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.” 
― E.L. Doctorow

“You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” 
― Ray Bradbury

“You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” 
― Jack London

“Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Stories may well be lies, but they are good lies that say true things, and which can sometimes pay the rent.” 
― Neil Gaiman

“I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.” 
― Franz Kafka

“Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.” 
― Stephen King

“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.” 
― George Orwell

Introspect

Religion is a realization—not talk, not doctrine, nor theories, however beautiful these may be. Religion is being and becoming, not hearing and acknowledging. It is not an intellectual ascent –but the transformation of one’s whole life

--Swami Vivekandanda

So, if that is true, then I must ask myself: what have I become?

Restless night

It's in these moments that I can't sleep, can't seem to make myself study, and can't seem to understand people, or even myself, I do the one thing I can.


I write.

Breathe Deep the Gathering Gloom

Finals are coming. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

You've Got Mail

"I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail."

I must admit... I miss letters. Nothing will ever compare to writing letters, but in the age of technology with Twitter and Facebook becoming the new areas of communication, one of my favorite things is getting an email. A genuine, personalized email. Whether its someone telling me they miss me, or about that person's day, or literally about nothing, like Meg Ryan's character Kathleen Kelly said:

“I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings”

To those that I have been fortunate enough to speak with, thanks for making my day so often.